I am so confused. Yesterday morning, I was so sure about a lot of things. Now I don't know who-or what-to believe. I've never had reason to doubt that God loved me. I had a thousand reasons to believe He was good. I never wondered if He was telling us the truth. I trusted Him. I believed what He said.
Now, for some reason, He doesn't seem like the same God who walked and talked and sang with us every morning. If He is so good, why didn't He stop me from talking to the Serpent or eating the fruit? Why did He make the fruit look so good? Why did He put that tree there, anyway? And why did He care if we ate that fruit?
He seems so far away. Im afraid of Him. He said we would die if we ate from that tree. That seems like an awfully harsh punishment-hardly seems fair- especially for a first offense. Today He told us we have to leave Eden. Why couldn't He have given us a second chance? Does He really care what happens to us? This whole thing is such a mess. Can't God do something?
As we begin to identify some of the lies women believe, let me assure you that this is by no means an exhaustive list. Satan is a master Deceiver, and his lies are endless. My goal is simply to address some of the lies that are most commonly believed by "church women" today. I believe these particular lies are at the root of much f the bondage that exists among Christian women. (Throughout the rest of the book, I have interspersed testimonies I have received rom women who share the consequences they have experienced as a result of believing these lies.) Of course, no woman believes all the lies. You will probably find hat you are tempted to believe certain lies (or variations of them). Satan knows where you are most vulnerable to being deceived, and that is where he will target his attack.
Your first response to some of these lies may be, "I don't believe that." One of Satan's strategies is to blind us to the lies we have bought into-to make us assume that because we know the Truth, we also believe the Truth. Countless times over the years, I have counseled with women who claim to believe the Truth of God's Word; but the way they live-their choices, their priorities, their response to pain-reveals that they do not really believe the Truth. However, what we believe is revealed, not by what we know or what we say we believe, but how we actually live. So as we walk through these lies, it's not enough to ask, "Do I believe this lie?" Each of us must also ask, "Do I live as though I believe this lie?"
A number of these lies are particularly deceptive because they are half-truths, rather than outright lies. That makes them even more subtle and dangerous. The fact is, a half-truth will put you in bondage just as surely as a whole lie. We will not take time to develop each lie as fully as it deserves to be treated. Entire books have been written on many of these subjects. My goal is not to present a comprehensive explanation of what in some cases are major issues but, rather, to give a broad overview of the kind of thinking that I believe has wreaked havoc in the lives and homes of Christian women. Some of the issues we will address are "hot potatoes." They are controversial, even in the evangelical world. In a few cases, you may find yourself saying, "I don't believe that is a lie."
Let me appeal to you not to get tripped up by a handful of particular issues where you may have a genuine disagreement. I am simply presenting what I understand the Scripture to teach. I am not the final word on any of these matters; Jesus and His Word are "the Truth." My objective is not for you to agree with everything I say but to motivate you to seek out the Truth as it is revealed in the Word of God and to examine and evaluate every area of your life in light of that Truth. I have chosen to start by dealing with lies that women believe about God because there is nothing more crucial than what we believe about God. As Hannah Whitall Smith points out in her spiritual autobiography, The Unselfishness of God,
Everything in your spiritual life depends on the sort of God you worship. Because the character of the worshiper will always be molded by the character of what he worships: If it is a cruel and revengeful God, the worshiper will be the same, but if it is a loving, tender, forgiving, unselfish God, the worshiper will be transformed slowly, wonderfully, into this likeness.
What we believe about God is foundational to our whole belief system. If we have wrong thinking about God, we will have wrong thinking about everything else. What we believe about God determines the way we live. If we believe things about Him that aren't true, we will eventually act on those lies and end up in bondage.
1. God is Not Really Good, If He were, He would.......
This is a lie that few women consciously believe. Most of us would never say, "God is not really good." We know better. Theologically, intellectually, we know that God is good. But deep in many of our hearts, there lurks a suspicion that He may not really be good-at least, that He has not been good to me. I believe this lie is at the core of much of our wrong thinking about God. In essence, this is the lie Satan used to seduce Eve back in the Garden. God had blessed the man and woman and create a whole paradise for their enjoyment. He had given them the freedom to partake of the fruit on every tree-except one.
If you have any doubt about he goodness of God, go back and reread the first two chapter of Genesis. There you see a personal, generous, good God. Everything He made was good-because it was a reflection of His goodness. When Satan wanted to tempt the woman to rebel against God, he did so by planting in her mind a seed of doubt about God's goodness: "Did God really say, 'You must not eat from any tree in the garden'?" (Genesis 3:1) The implication was that "God must not be good-if He were, He would not have denied you something you really wanted." When turbulence, disappointment, or pain comes into our lives; when we lose people we love; when things don't go as we had hoped or planned, Satan tempts us to wonder, "Is God really good? If He were, how could He have let tis happen?" or "Why would He have kept this [good thing] from me?" In this fallen world where wars, genocide, famine, and natural disasters are a reality, the Deceiver tries to cast God in a negative light: "How could a truly good God let the Holocaust take place? Or the famine in Ethiopia? Or the massacre at Columbine?"
Once we doubt the goodness of God, we feel justified in rejecting His will and making our own decisions about right and wrong. The Truth is, God is good. Whether or not His choices seem good to us, He is good. Whether or not we feel it, He is good. Whether or not it seems true in my life or yours, He is still good. I will never forget the day I first consciously found refuge in this Truth. I had spent the weekend of my twenty-first birthday at home, visiting my parents and six brothers and sisters. n Saturday afternoon, my parents too me to the airport to catch a flight to Virginia, where I was serving on the staff of a local church. When I landed in Lynchburg, I received a call from my mother telling me that my father had had a heart attack and had instantly gone to be with the Lord. There was no warning. No time to say final good-byes. My forty-year-old mother was left with seven children, ages eight to twenty-one.
Over the next few days, and in the weeks and months that followed, the tears flowed freely. Each of us had shared a close relationship with this extraordinary husband and father. Everyone who knew Art DeMoss felt an enormous sense of loss when he was taken to heaven. But in that moment when I first learned of my dad's home-going, the Lord did something especially gracious for me-He reminded me of the Truth. Before there was any other conscious thought, before there were any tears, He brought to mind a verse I had read not many days earlier. Paraphrased, the verse read: "God is good, and everything He does is good" (Psalm 119:68). My dad had spent the first twenty-one years of my life teaching me that Truth. Now, at that crucial moment, the Truth proved to be a fortress for my heart. I missed my dad terribly-I still do at times, more than twenty years later. I never knew him in my adult life. There are so many things I wish we could talk about. But I knew then, and I know now, that God is good and everything He does is good. Hannah Whitall Smith put it well when she said,
A great many things in God's divine providences do not look to the eye like goodness. But faith sits down before mysteries such as these, and says, "The Lord is good, therefore all that He des must be good no matter how it looks. I can wait for His explanations."
2. God Doesn't Love Me.
This lie s often related to the previous one. Again, few of us would actually admit to believing this because, in our minds, we know we are supposed to believe that God does love us. But for many women, there is a disconnection between what they know intellectually and what they feel to be true. And therein lies one of our problems: We trust what we feel to be true, rather than what we know to be true. (We will come back to this point because it is so fundamental to the way we as women are wired.) We look around at our relationships-a loveless marriage; rejection by an ex-mate; grown children who won’t call home or come to visit; approaching forty, and not a suitor in sight-and our feelings tell us: “Nobody loves me-not even God. He may love the world, He may love everyone else, but He doesn’t really love me. If He did, I wouldn’t feel so lonely and unloved.” We’d never say this aloud-but that is what we feel to be true. So the seed of a lie is planted in our minds; we dwell on the lie until we believe it to be true; sooner or later, our behavior reflects what we really believe; and we end up in bondage.
Perhaps you can relate to “Victoria’s” background:
I come from a somewhat difficult and distant family, in which love was always conditional. As a result, it was very hard for me to believe God could really love me unconditionally. That brought undue condemnation whenever I would make a mistake and sin-not that sin is anything to be overlooked-but I did not believe God would forgive me.
It is no small matter to give in to the lie that “God doesn’t love me.” The implications are enormous and affect every other area of our lives and relationships. Tiny little seeds, allowed to take root in our minds, grow up to produce a great big harvest. The Truth is, God does love us. Whether or not we feel loved, regardless of what we have done or where we have come from, He loves us with an infinite, incomprehensible love.
God loves me-not because I have loved Him since I was four years old, not because I seek to please Him, not because I speak at conferences and write books. He loves me-because He is love. His love for me is not based on anything I have ever done or ever could do for Him. It is not based on my performance. I do not deserve His love and could never earn it. The Scripture says that when I was His enemy, He loved me. You say, “How could you have been God’s enemy when you were a little girl?” According to the Bible, from the moment I was born, I was ungodly, a sinner, God’s enemy, and deserving of His eternal wrath (Romans 5:6-10). In spite of my alienation from Him, He loved me and sent His Son to die for me. He loved me in eternity past; He will love me for all of eternity future. There is nothing I could do to make Him love me any less; there is nothing I could do to make Him love me any more.
Melana Monroe is a friend who has faced a long, hard battle with breast cancer. In a recent letter, she talked about how she has come to have a deeper comprehension of the incredible love of God, through her husband’s response to her double mastectomy:
As we wept and trembled when he took my bandages off the first time, I was so ugly, scarred, and bald. I was in intense grief that I could never be a whole wife to him again Steve held me tightly and with tears in his eyes said, “Melana, I love you because that is who I am.” I instantly recognized Christ in my husband. As His bride, we are also eaten up with cancer-sin-and are scarred, mutilated, and ugly, but He loves us because that is who He is. No comeliness in us draws Christ’s attention; it is only His essence that draws Him to us. Hannah Whitall smith invites us to contemplate the vastness, the height, the depth, the greatness of the love of God:
Put together all the tenderest love you know of, the deepest you have ever felt, and the strongest that has ever been poured out upon you, and heap upon it all the love of all the loving human hearts in the world, and then multiply it by infinity, and you will begin, perhaps, to have some faint glimpse of what the love of God is.
3. God Is Just Like My Father
As women, our view of God is often greatly influenced by the men we have known-particularly our fathers. Our perception of God can be positively or negatively shaped by those men. I am blessed and deeply grateful to have had a loving, faithful, involved father. This has made it easier for me to trust my heavenly Father and to receive His love. However, many women have had just the opposite experience. Your father may have been distant, absent, overbearing, harsh, abusive, or unable to express love. If so, the idea of God’s being your “Father” may make you cringe. You may relate to these women:
I had a stepfather who was cruel to me, and it is very hard to accept that God is not like him.
My dad is a Christian and a good guy, but I have never heard much encouragement from him. For instance, when I would help him paint, I would say, “Does this look okay?” hoping to hear “Hey, that looks really nice!” But he would only say, “Try not to ____(whatever).” Maybe that is why I imagined God’s finding fault instead of loving me unconditionally and accepting me.
If you have been wounded by a father-or another man you trusted-you may find it difficult to trust God. You may even be afraid of Him or angry with Him. You must believe me when I tell you that God is not like any man you have ever known. The wisest, kindest earthly father is but a pale reflection of our heavenly Father. The God of the Bible is infinitely more wonderful and pure and loving than even the most wonderful father. That is why it is so important that we not allow our view of God to be determined by other men, for at their very best they are flawed representations of God. If you want to know what God is really like, you need to turn to the Word of God, which clearly reveals what He is like; you need to get to know Jesus, who is the “radiance of God’s glory and the exact representation of his being” (Hebrews 1:3).
The God of the Bible is a compassionate, tender, merciful Father. That doesn’t mean He gives us everything we want-no wise father would give his children everything they want. It doesn’t mean we can always understand His decisions-He is far too great for that. It doesn’t mean He never allows us to suffer pain-in fact, at times, He actually inflicts pain and hardship upon us. Why? Because He loves us. Because He cares about us. Because He is committed to us. Hebrews tells us, “God disciplines us for our good, that we may share in his holiness” (12:10). Regardless of how we feel or what we think, the fact remains that He is a good Father who dearly loves His children-a Father who can be trusted with our lives. Hannah Whitall Smith’s writings have much to say about the implications of knowing and trusting the Father heart of God:
Discomfort and unrest are impossible to souls who come to know that God is their Father. What a good earthly father would not do, God who is our Father would not do either; and what a good father ought to do, God who is our Father is absolutely sure to do. Christ has declared to us the name of the Father in order that we may discover that the Father loves us as He loves His Son. If we believed this, could we ever have an anxious or rebellious thought again? Would we not believe in every conceivable circumstance that the divine Father would care for us in the best possible way and meet our every need?
4. God Is Not Really Enough
“Christ is all I need, all that I need.” It’s one thing to sing that little chorus when we’re sitting in a church service. But when we walk out the church doors and into the rough-and-tumble world, do we really believe He is all we need? As with the first three lies, we would hardly dare to breathe these words; few of us consciously believe this lie. But the way we live reveals that this is what we really do believe. When it comes down to it, we don’t believe God’s Word is truly sufficient to deal with our problems. Oh, it can deal with everyone else’s problems; but it doesn’t speak to my issues, my needs, my relationships, my situation. I need God’s Word plus these eight books from the Christian bookstore; I need God’s Word plus tapes and conferences and counselors.
Sure, I need God. But I need Him plus close friends; I need Him plus good health; I need Him plus a husband; I need Him plus children; I need Him plus a job that pays enough; I need Him plus a house with a microwave, a washer/dryer, a garage, and a fresh paint job……Do you really believe that if you have god you have enough? Or are you more like these women:
“God is not really enough”-I did not know I believed this until I realized how much trust I put in other things and people. I thought I trusted God fully and kept telling my husband we just needed to trust god, but then I would run to my friends to discuss our marriage or finances.
I have turned to food for comfort when things were going bad in our marriage. In forty years of marriage, I have put on forty-five extra pounds.
I have denied the truth that my relationship with Jesus will satisfy my longings. Through the way I live, I have shown those around me that I need “things” in order to be happy. I have been critical, complaining, and irritable most of my life. I have been living this lie.
Do we truly believe God is enough, or are we looking to other things and people to fill the empty places of our hearts-food, shopping friends, hobbies, vacations, our job, or our family?
5. God’s Ways Are Too Restrictive
Over and over again, the Scripture teaches that God’s laws are for our good and our protection. Obedience is the pathway to freedom. But Satan places in our minds the idea that God’s laws are burdensome, unreasonable, and unfair, and that if we obey Him we will be miserable. In the Garden, he caused Eve to focus on the one limitation God had placed on her. The Deceiver’s motto is “Have it your way: no one has the right to tell you what you can or cannot do.” If we’re honest, many of us can identify with “Sarah”:
I felt that putting restrictions on my behavior was depriving me of pleasure and of what was good. I ate whatever I wanted, whenever I wanted it, and in whatever quantities I wanted because I felt punished by saying no.
I have often wondered why food is such an issue with so many women. I’m convinced it has something to do with Genesis 3. After all what was the very first sin? It was the sin of overeating. The single restriction god put on her diet was one too many for Eve. Like “Sarah,” she felt that “putting restrictions on her behavior was depriving her of pleasure and of what was good.” So what did she do? (Remember-believes determine behavior.) She “ate whatever she wanted.” So we throw off the restrictions, determined to “have it our way.” We are free to choose our own way, just as Eve was free to eat the forbidden fruit. But there is one thing we are not free to choose, and that is the consequences. We have said that believing and acting on a lie will ultimately lead to bondage. Listen to the rest of “Sarah’s” testimony:
When I understood that true freedom comes from obedience, I was freed from bondage to food-I lost sixty-five pounds, as well as the depression I had experienced.
“Sarah” had decided to eat what she wanted, whenever she wanted, and in whatever quantities she wanted. Sounds like freedom, doesn’t it? But wait-according to her testimony, she wasn’t free at all. She thought she would be free, but her freedom was short-lived. Instead of being free, she ended up in “bondage to food,” gained sixty-five unwanted pounds, and became depressed. When this woman discovered the Truth that “true freedom comes from obedience,” and when she acted on that truth, her bondage was shattered.
6. God Should Fix My Problems
This way of thinking is deceptive on two counts. First, it reduces God to a cosmic genie who exists to please and serve us-a hired servant who comes running to wait on us every time we ring the bell. This lie sets up for disillusionment and disappointment with god: If we have any problems that haven’t been fixed, then apparently God has not come through for us. Second, it suggests that the goal in life is to be free from all problems-to get rid of everything that is difficult or unpleasant. Our society is conditioned to think that we should not have to live with problems-that every problem must be “fixed.”
Have a headache? Take Tylenol.
Don’t like your boss? Quit and get another job.
Don’t like your pastor’s style of preaching? Find another church.
Can’t afford a newer car? Borrow.
Men don’t notice you? Flirt a bit and dress in a way that attracts their attention.
Your husband is insensitive, addicted to sports, and doesn’t romance you like he did when you
were dating? Find a man at work (or at church) who cares and is willing to listen.
For many people, “Christianity” is nothing more than another way to get their problems solved. Just pray and believe in God, and you’ll have plenty of money in the bank, your friend will be cured of cancer, you won’t be lonely anymore, your marriage will be salvaged, your rebellious children will get right with God, you’ll get instant victory over sin so you won’t have to struggle with bad habits anymore and you will be happy and healthy. In “Holly’s” case, believing this lie affected the way she dealt with the issue of overeating”
I had a problem with food and my weight. I prayed all the time for God to deliver me. But my prayers and my motives were selfish. I wanted to look good on the outside. I wanted instant results, and I did not want to sacrifice anything or work too hard for it. My prayer went like this, “Lord, Im in a rut. I keep trying to have willpower, but I don’t. Please fix this. Give me Your power to overcome this problem.” But it was all in vain.
This deceptive way of thinking explains why a lot of Christian women are angry, bitter, and frustrated with life. They thought that if they accepted Jesus and went to church and tried to live a “good Christian life,” they wouldn’t have all these problems. Living an obedient life does spare us from many problems that are the natural consequences of a life lived apart from God and His ways. But that does not mean that those who follow Christ will be exempt from problems. The Truth is, life is hard. We live in a fallen world. Even those who have been redeemed live in earthly bodies and have to deal with the realities of temptation, sin (both our own and others’), disease, loss, pain, and death. Becoming a Christian-even being a mature, godly Christian-does not wrap us up in some sort of celestial cocoon where we are immune to pain. Not until God makes a new heaved and new earth will we be totally free from the ravages of sin. Until then, there will be tears, sorrows, pressures, and problems.
But-and here’s the good news-God is not removed or detached from our problems. He doesn’t just sit up in heaven and watch to see if we will manage to survive. No, the God of the Bible is “a very present help in trouble” (Psalm 46:1) That doesn’t mean He waves a magic wand and makes all our problems disappear; it does mean He uses pressures and problems to mold and shape our lives and to make us like His Son Jesus, who :learned obedience from what he suffered” (Hebrews 5:8). We want God to fix all our problems. God says instead, “I have a purpose for your problems. I want to use your problems to change you and to reveal My grace and power to the world.” That is the Truth-and the Truth will set you free.
The Lie: 1. God Is Not Really Good.
The Truth:
-God is good, and everything He does is good. (Psalm 31:19, 34:8, 100:5, 106:1, 119:68, 136:1; Ephesians 1:13-14).
-God never makes mistakes. (Isaiah 46:10; Romans 8:28-39)
The Lie: 2. God Doesn’t Love Me
The Truth:
-Gods love for me is infinite and unconditional. (John 15:13; Romans 5:8, 8:32,38-39; Ephesians 3:14-19; 1 John 4:7-10)
-I don’t have to perform to earn God’s love or favor. (Ephesians 1:4-6)
-God always has my best interests at heart. (Psalm 21)
The Lie: 3. God Is Just Like My Father
The Truth:
-God is exactly what He has revealed Himself to be in His Word. (John 1:1; Hebrews 1:3)
-God is infinitely more wise and loving than any earthly father could ever be. (Hebrews 12:9-10)
The Lie: 4. God Is Not Really Enough
The Truth:
-God is enough. If I have Him, I have all I need. (Psalm 23:1, 73:23-26; Colossians 2:9-10)
The Lie: 5. God’s Ways Are Too Restrictive
The Truth:
-God’s ways are best. (Deuteronomy 6:24-25; Joshua 1:8)
-God’s restrictions are always for my good. (James 1:19-27)
-Resisting or rebelling against God’s ways brings conflict and heartache. (Psalm 68:6; Proverbs 15:32-33)
The Lie: 6. God Should Fix My Problems
The Truth:
-Life is hard. (Romans 8:21-22)
-God is more concerned about glorifying Himself and changing me than about solving all my problems. (2 Corinthians 4:17)
-God has an eternal purpose He is fulfilling in the midst of my problems. (Romans 5:3-4; James 1:2-4)
-God wants to use my problems as part of His sanctifying process in my life. (Job 23:10)
-No matter what problem I am facing, God’s grace is sufficient for me. (2 Corinthians 12:7-10)